I've known I was a bisexual since I was 12. I'm 17, a college freshman, and my parents don't know because I'm too afraid and embarrassed to tell them.
Every day I wonder if I'm imagining these feelings, wishing I didn't have them, or wanting to explore them further. Sometimes I stare out my window with tears slowly streaming down my cheeks. I feel broken. Typically I'm far from the sad, brooding, pathetic teenager type--typically.
I've had boyfriends and girlfriends with varying degrees of success. I was straight for him, gay for her, you know? And now I've met someone. We just 'clicked.' She's adorable and funny and we can talk about everything until sunrise. I would joke with her about us being a couple and she agreed, we'd make the perfect couple. I want to have her in my life. I want the chance to love her.
Last weekend we were doing movies at her place: Top 10 Saddest Movies of All Time. I brought lots of extra tissues 'cuz we were going to need them.
We made it through Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias, and Beaches. By then our eyes hurt from all the tears and we were awash with emotions. We were nearing the end of My Girl when...trying to seize the opportunity...I took a chance...I leaned over and kissed her. My heart lept from my chest as our lips met.
She just laid there, frozen. I kissed her again and for a moment she seemed to kiss me back. I felt her lips, our tongues met...I didn't imagine that. And then it happened: she pushed me away and told me that I should leave because she's tired. I left horrified and SO so embarrassed. I've tried to reach out, to explain, to...apologize?...she won't see me, she won't talk to me. Is our friendship over? Have I lost her forever? In my entire life I have never felt more alone, confused, or as afraid as I do now. Am I broken? I feel broken.
I want nothing more than to cry in my daddy's arms. He always knows the right thing to say, gives the best advice, and is hands-down the most supportive person I know. If it were a guy, no problem, but a girl? No, not that. I don't think I could ever tell him that. Not religious, my parents just feel it's against nature. Am I?
Everyone I know can go through their day without giving their sexual identity a single thought. Why do I flip between gay and straight? What is wrong with me? Why can't this ONE FUCKING THING be easy?
Sincerely,
Kasey Confused, period.
I guess it's never easy, but im sure if you just hang in there you will get there!
ReplyDeleteOn thing we get taught in the corps, is that you never give up, ever!
Keep it up sister!
Love is never easy, strait or gay. :/ Chin up, keep moving forward we all have to go through this type of stuff many times over. It does suck for a while.
ReplyDeletei hope you find yourself one day! until then, test the waters =P
ReplyDeletesorry for taking so long to respond to your comment on my last blog, i am quite glad that you find my blog interesting, as for the strange feelings you get when you visit it i can not say more then perhaps the not every day things in life happen to be the most interesting. the so called darker side of life is full of all sorts of powerful emotions experience by the artist and the viewer. i hope you continue to visit my blog and i shall visit yours. good day
ReplyDeleteShe seems to have been weirded out. Just give her a little space and try to contact her again in a while. Apologize and tell her that it won't happen again. If she still feels threatened with an awkward advance, then she won't want to be around you.
ReplyDeleteI had a guy that was straight and said, "You know, if you were a girl, I'd totally fall in love with you."
ReplyDeleteI think love is just complicated, and you don't know who you will fall in love with. I suppose I am bisexual in the sense that while I'm not exactly attracted to guys, but I don't take the possibility out of the equation. I'm mostly attracted to girls, but if I find a guy that just hooks me, then okay. I don't consider it wrong or against nature, it just who I am and it is who you are.
That said, I don't tell my parents not because they'd be unaccepting, but because I don't care for them to know. It's unimportant. For you, tell them when you believe they either deserve to know or when you have to tell them.
Afraid I have no advice on the girl troubles though. I do wish you best of luck though!
Totally know where you're coming from here. And it sucks. Big time. Period. There is nothing you can do to make that feeling go away faster either. You're going to have to wait it out, and hope for the best (both on your friendship and your feelings).
ReplyDeleteAs on the part where you may be gay, may be straight, and may be bisexual, just explore what you want. There's nothing wrong with either one of them. If your parents don't like it, well, tough break, it's who you are.
On the girl troubles: let it rest for a bit, and in a couple of days send her a text message saying that your sorry, that it won't happen again, you probably know the drill...
Good luck with everything.
Looking forward to more. Don't be embarrassed to show your true self!
ReplyDeleteHoping for a new post soon, hope you're alright.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Undertaker.
I wish you all the best, KC.
ReplyDeleteAll of what Tal has said rings true. Love is complicated, it's fluid. It brings out to our greatest heights, and our deepest depths of despair. What's important is to always keep climbing.
I'm glad that you had the courage to take that chance, to seize that opportunity. I'm only 23, and far too many times in my life have I let slip chances that I deeply regret now.
Regardless of how you may feel the world perceives you, remember that there are -always- people who will accept you for who you are. You need to seek those people out, and you need to be true to yourself
tape this in period time/:))
ReplyDeletedont think to much the 2012 come :) new age come new stage for humanity:)